Tentacle Furry Sextravaganza Part 2, by Niv-Mizzet
by Random Houses
Summary: One man's trash is another Golgari's facial!


"Mmmmm faerie wiener?" exclaimed Vraska.

"OH NO!" sighed Jace. He was starting to think Vraska did not find his wiener exceptional, merely convenient.

"Sorry, your wiener gave me flashbacks to my steamy former lover, who was a naked faerie Planeswalker."

Unable to deal with being a faerie wiener rebound while pantsless, Jace prepared to wipe his memory of this conversation, unaware it was the thirtieth time he would do so. But this time his addled mind conjured up another memory: the feel of a giant cat's tongue sandpapering his washboard abs.

"Do you think Ajani likes fairies?" Jace inquired.

"Oh baby I KNOW he does! Mee-YOW! Maybe if you're good I'll tell you how I know someday."

A warm breeze brushed against the back of Jace's neck like a lover's caress, wafting sultry notes of sulfur into his nose.

"I also know," Nicol Bolas telepathically communicated from his extradimensional prison. "Free me and I will tell you everything."

iGolly, there has sure been a lot of interspecies lovin' going on in the multiverse/i! Jace thought with alarm.

"Don't tell Sorin I said anything though," added Nicol Bolas. "That little vamphole always gets so jealous!"

"Oh you don't need to worry about Sorin anymore. He's been perfectly happy with his stone dildos after he and Nahiri made up and out on Dack's corpse after you got banished," Jace said.

"Poor Tricky Dicky!" Vraska lamented. "He didn't deserve to go out like that. I hadn't even seen his wiener yet!"

"That cheating bastard!" roared Nicol Bolas.

"Is it your personal goal to see every wiener in the multiverse?" Jace asked.

"Yes," replied both Vraska and Bolas.

"Oh my god this is why you picked Bolas over me during the war isn't it?"

"No I picked Bolas over you because he didn't require I use my gorgon gaze to get him properly hard!" Vraska retorted.

"I'm sorry!" Jace sobbed. "I find it very stressful constantly comparing myself to everyone you've fucked!"

"I'm bigger than him, right?" said Nicol Bolas. "Surely I'm bigger. Just look at me - I'm a big majestic dragon and he's a wet noodle!"

"Do you really want me to answer that?" asked Vraska.

"At least I'm not stuck in loser prison! How'd you even get beaten off anyway?" Jace said.

"Heh heh beaten off," said Vraska.

"I got distracted by Gideon's abs." Bolas pouted. "Typical White Planeswalker way of getting back at you for cheating on them with their mom, getting themselves killed."

"I know right," Vraska said. "They've always got to be passive aggressive and find a way to make you feel bad. I hope Liliana made him into a gross zombie."

Ajani leapt through the window and landed on top of Jace, his barbed cat penis slapping across Jace's face like a falling cactus. "He is not gross. Even undead his abs are magnificent. I just came from licking them on Dominaria."

Vraska brushed shards of glass off her shoulders and eyed the goods critically while Jace freaked out. "Much less like faerie wiener," was her disappointed verdict.

—-

"WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME READ THIS?" Ral Zarek screamed, allowing 80 unread pages of Niv-Mizzet's manuscript to fall from his hands as he tugged at his magnificent hair. He tried to ignore the vague stirring in his loins. "There is no way this is your latest research paper!"

Niv snorted, sending rainbow-colored smoke across the room, a party trick he'd been pulling at every opportunity since his resurrection. "It absolutely is, Ral. A Treatise on Defenses Against Dimir Mind Mages. A very important subject now that you are Izzet Guildmaster. Committing this text to memory demonstrated 100% success in knocking out attempts to steal thoughts during my experiments."

"I... don't... surely there's another way!"

"Would you like to read the one I wrote about you and Tomik?" The dragon leered. "It was also effective but the test goblins displayed excessive horniness reading it."

Ral weighed his innate interest in the subject matter against Niv's startling lack of authorship skills.

"Any other options?" he asked weakly.

"There is that invitation you discarded yesterday to attend Karn's sex dungeon orgy on New Phyrexia. You could document the event for me."

Ral wondered if that counted as cheating. New Phyrexian dungeon orgies were notoriously weird. And ugh, what if Elesh Norn showed up? He felt faint. "Are all the guilds like this?" he wondered.

"Funny you should ask!" Niv boomed. "I forgot to mention, I've arranged for a salacious sex tour of the guilds to celebrate your induction as the new Guildmaster. Don't look at me like that, it's only a name. There's not THAT much salacious sex!"

"Uh huh."

"You can get a sewage facial from the most elegant and skilled Golgari lich masseurs. A lesson in obedience from Azorius arresters. An arousing pottery lesson from Orzhov ghosts—I hear Tomik's mom is a master plater. And of course Rakdos has been all morose since he lost Gideon's abs. If you can cheer him up I'm sure he'll provide us with an endless stream of experiment subjects."

Ral, who was set to meet Tomik's mom for the first time that coming weekend, wondered if he'd be able to speak to her without thinking about Niv and arousing pottery. It was almost horrific enough to erase the mental image of Rakdos getting freaky with Gideon's abs. "This job is not good for my relationship or mental health."

"Nonsense!" trilled Niv. "You and Tomik simply need to be more adventurous! Like you are in that treatise I told you about. Are you sure you don't want to read it? You can borrow it for the night if you like." He waggled eyebrows the size of palm tree fronds.

"Fine! I'll read your stupid Jace fanfic. Just know the real Jace doesn't whine so much if you hold his hand."

Ral bent over to gather the papers he'd dropped.

"Ah yes, pick those papers up, but slowly. Show proper respect for my work. You missed a page to your right. Now back to your left. Oh my I think one slipped between those shelves. You'll have to wiggle a bit to squeeze in between there."

"ARE YOU CHECKING OUT MY ASS?" Ral demanded, looking up to find Niv scribbling furiously in a notebook with one claw while holding a sandwich in the other.

"Accuracy is next to godliness. As an ascended being, I should know. Hold on, this sandwich is a little dry." Niv procured a bottle of olive oil out of seemingly thin air and squeezed it. The stream of glistening liquid poured down straight onto Ral. "Oops, how clumsy of me."

"Not that accurate I see." Ral snarled, wiping the oil all over his magnificently coiffed hair and luscious skin in an attempt to remove it.

"Yes indeed, I totally didn't mean to get you all wet and sticky. Whoops there goes the mayonnaise too, all over your face." Niv began scribbling again.

"Why are all dragons such kinky bastards?" Ral grumbled, recalling how Jace once told him of the dragon Planeswalker Ugin, who liked to do it mid-flight during hurricanes and fancied mentally disturbed lunatics with fish scales and delusions of time travel.

Perhaps Niv would get off Ral's back if he found a way to introduce them. Then there'd be room for Tomik there again, which Ral much preferred.

He skimmed over the first couple lines of the dumb paper again. "Why does Jace always have a tiny dick in everything you write?" he asked.

"All dicks are tiny compared to mine," Niv told him.

Ral forced down the automatic urge to glance at the dragon's crotch. "I bet Tomik's is bigger," he mumbled petulantly.

"It is not but he has girth," Niv replied. "At least in my manuscript. You really must read it. There's a scene where you electrostim his nipples but you violate the building code by introducing an unregistered power source and he lectures you on property law while tying you up and then Teysa Karlov rear windows you from the building across the street while Tomik rear windows you, if you get what I mean. I mean your butt."

"Wait, that actually happened," Ral blurted before he could stop himself.

"I am a researcher, Ral. It is my job to record what I observe." And the dragon winked at him.

That night Ral created a weird to submit a letter of resignation to Niv but the messenger was intercepted by Ajani, who showed him a good time by eating him.

The end.


End file.
